Saturday, January 21, 2017

President Trump Resigns

In a stunning "Breaking News" segment, CNN has announced that Donald J. Trump has resigned his Presidency in the face of growing protests.  Reporting from the White House, Jared Abersom interviewed the newly sworn-Trump as he met with a few press members on the South Portico this morning.  According to informed sources, Trump made this statement shortly after learning the New York Post called his inauguration speech "dark and divisive."

"I see the damage caused by the protests yesterday and the prospective dissension raised by the planned Women's March today and I feel I can no longer serve as President," stated Trump. "I ran for office to unite the American public, not create further conflict."

Presidential advisers told CNN reporter Aberson that Trump would give his official resignation at 12:30 pm, EST today.


Thursday, January 12, 2017

CNN Considers Reducing 24 Hour a Day Reporting

In a recent meeting of CNN executive management, it was discussed once again whether the Time Warner 24 hour, 7-day a week network should continue its current schedule.  Network management frequently debates whether there is enough news to broadcast continually.

Recent claims by the network that the CIA reported on President Elect Trump's dalliances in Russia which proved to be untrue have forced management to consider production alternatives.  According to CNN's Vice President of Ethical Reporting, the network's drive to compete against other news shows often forces them to report news that has not been properly vetted in advance.  He further stated that with so much air time to fill, CNN reporters and opinion editors sometimes have to "invent the news" or "guess the outcome" when the facts don't come quick enough.

One unnamed executive even joked that perhaps CNN should go to 24 minutes a day rather than 24 hours a day, so that only hard hitting news information would be reported.