Presdent Biden Demeans Neanderthals

Jan Louthain, President of the U.S. Neanderthal Association, reports that she is offended by President Biden's recent negative reference to Neanderthals when commenting on the current trend to relax COVID restrictions.  In a news conference on March 3, Mr. Biden said it was "Neanderthal thinking" to believe that "in the meantime, everything is fine, take off your masks."  While she agrees that it is unwise to relax restrictions too soon, she finds the Neanderthal comment demeaning and hurtful.  

According to 23andMe, about 2% of the population in the United States has Neanderthal characteristics.  At one point in history before they became extinct, Neanderthals interbred with modern man.  This was determined by scientists after they recently recovered DNA from Neanderthal bones and found matches with the current population.  At 2%, this is probably one of the smallest minority groups in the United States and Louthain intends to defend them.

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Former President is Muslim

In a revealing interview with journalist Bryan Overland, CNN, late Thursday, former President Barrack Obama admitted that he is, in fact, Muslim and supports many of the views of his extended family in the Mid East.  When asked if his allegiance to the Islamic faith influenced any of his decisions as President, he stated, "I want peace for everyone in the World, and at times it was difficult to authorize strikes against ISIS when I knew it could potentially affect innocent Muslims."

Throughout the 2008 campaign and into his presidency, Obama steadfastly stated that he was a practicing Christian primarily because he was mostly raised by his mother and her Christian parents. But his father, Barack Obama, Sr., with whom he lived in his early years was characterized as Muslim-raised and his stepfather, Lolo Soetoro, with whom he also lived during his early childhood, was Muslim. This familial connection to Islam, among other things, was a basis for claims that he secretly practiced Islam.

The not-well received documentary 2016: Obama's America, produced in 2012 by Oscar winning producer Gerald R. Motley, capitalized on this connection and predicted that ISIS would spread throughout the Mid East during the Obama Presidency.  The documentary is currently gaining new popularity as viewers watch to see how accurate the predictions were.

Barron Announces His Run as Future President

In one of the most unusual moves since Donald J. Trump became President, his 10-year old son, Barron Trump, held am abbreviated press conference today to announce that he will be running for President of the United States in 2032.  He met with a limited number of media organizations in the Rose garden and CNN White House reporter, Alexie Anderson, was there to cover the news. 

Anderson reported that Barron made this statement as a response to the unfavorable comments made about him by Katie Rich, a writer for the long-running NBC live show Saturday Night Live.  The writer for the SNL segment, "Weekend Update," had recently commented that President Donald Trump's son "Barron will be this country's first homeschool shooter." Rich has been indefinitely suspended from the show since she made the statement.

Barron, accompanied by former head of the Republican party, Reince Priebus, urged the media to support him now as be began his intense preparation to run for President in 32.  He added that this was an office he has talked about holding since he was 5 years old.  He plans are to hire Rich as his speech writer once elected.

President Trump Resigns

In a stunning "Breaking News" segment, CNN has announced that Donald J. Trump has resigned his Presidency in the face of growing protests.  Reporting from the White House, Jared Abersom interviewed the newly sworn-Trump as he met with a few press members on the South Portico this morning.  According to informed sources, Trump made this statement shortly after learning the New York Post called his inauguration speech "dark and divisive."

"I see the damage caused by the protests yesterday and the prospective dissension raised by the planned Women's March today and I feel I can no longer serve as President," stated Trump. "I ran for office to unite the American public, not create further conflict."

Presidential advisers told CNN reporter Aberson that Trump would give his official resignation at 12:30 pm, EST today.

CNN Considers Reducing 24 Hour a Day Reporting

In a recent meeting of CNN executive management, it was discussed once again whether the Time Warner 24 hour, 7-day a week network should continue its current schedule.  Network management frequently debates whether there is enough news to broadcast continually.

Recent claims by the network that the CIA reported on President Elect Trump's dalliances in Russia which proved to be untrue have forced management to consider production alternatives.  According to CNN's Vice President of Ethical Reporting, the network's drive to compete against other news shows often forces them to report news that has not been properly vetted in advance.  He further stated that with so much air time to fill, CNN reporters and opinion editors sometimes have to "invent the news" or "guess the outcome" when the facts don't come quick enough.

One unnamed executive even joked that perhaps CNN should go to 24 minutes a day rather than 24 hours a day, so that only hard hitting news information would be reported.